Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face