PARKOUR
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January has been Januweary
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
🤣🤣🤣
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Hey I worked for it too!
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.