When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
“Sheer Arrogance”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.