An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”