Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Hamburger Hinderer.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.