Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Put the is in disheveled
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I’d rather go liquor treating.