[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
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I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards