We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
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This bar smells like my childhood.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
omg leave her alone
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn