This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
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13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
(2022)
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Morning my dudes.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.