Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
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I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
starting a garage orchestra
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Ferrari squats
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
The options really are this bad
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”