5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
You Might Also Like
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Haha! 😂
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online