There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
You Might Also Like
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.