My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
🤣🤣
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband: