My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
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I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
waiting for halloween be like:
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
This hospital has everything
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.