People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
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Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.