The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
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“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich