“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
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I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone