[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
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I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
But I really needed water water water
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Danger is very dangerous
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
yeet
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….