i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
New menu item
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?