Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
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Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?