People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.