What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
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Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
A small tragedy.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
i can’t wait that long
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!