The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*