[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
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Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.