day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
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[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]