A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
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The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.