[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
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People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?