Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
You Might Also Like
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!