squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.