my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
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I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.