“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Danger is very dangerous
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.