She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Bros before Ohioes
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.