Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
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Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
an octopus is just a wet spider
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted