Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
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[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Care for your back
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad