Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
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Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Animal poetry
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.