With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever