News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
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WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
pizza
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.