Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
The Struggle
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function