Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
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Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?