#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.