Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
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Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Peace was never an option
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
That’s incredible! 👌
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Perfect
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing