Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
who wants to go expliring
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Uh oh…
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.