i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
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It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!