Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
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If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.