Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
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*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here