“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
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Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks