After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
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Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
the rocks need my help
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds