Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
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My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
you stereotypes are all alike
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount