Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
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If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
choose your gary
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong