“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Love is always patient and kind.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.